Tuesday, February 22, 2011

A Taste of the Sticky Ictal

It started with a feeling that i have trouble describing. At the very basic, it's a feeling of unease, a sort of deep profound sense that something is not right. Almost the feeling that over the real world there is a drape that obscures the true shape or nature of things, and that that drape is fluttering and may be ripped away at any moment exposing some basic truth of reality that will literally drive me mad. This is metaphor of course, during the events it's just a growing, existential unease leading into mild terror. My mind then pictures some place i'm not, usually downstairs in the living room, and the idea that the room exists with no one to observe it causes a bizarre fear. Sometimes from there it passes and I feel better, some times it proceeds.

Today it proceeded, into the lovely world of time loss. So, i had my weird feelings, but while it's happening it's hard to realize what's going on, so i continued on with my morning. Made some coffee. Watched last night's Rachel Maddow. I started watching the show with full consciousness, but about halfway in my brain decided to reboot. I realized i had no idea of what day or time it was. I didn't really know what i was doing. I worked to reclaim the memories. The entire previous day was nearly gone, and the day before that hazy. I went upstairs and knocked on caroles door, to wake her, to orient myself. I don't know what exactly i said. I remember saying, "i made a kindle cover?" "Yeah, on Sunday," she replied. It's coming back to me. Most of it will. On the plus side, I only lost a Monday, which is widely acknowledged to be the worst day of the week.

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